OK so I started this project with great eagerness. It filled me with promise and more importantly, it made think that I could somehow recapture the last year of my mom’s life.
Well it’s been two weeks now and I’m already feeling stuck. I don’t know what to write. I don’t know if I should break out the Flipcam and talk (people still use those, right?). I don’t know if I should fall back on my journalism training and conduct interviews. Maybe I could try to reconstruct the timeline of that last year. I just don’t know.
I have been thinking a lot about my mom. My mind summons those familiar memories that make me remember her but it doesn’t seem to want to go beyond those specific memories. Also, I don’t ruminate much about that last year. It took me a longtime to get past it. The thought of jumping back into it has me feeling a bit panicked. Undoubtedly, that emotional and fractured experience overtook every aspect of my life.
Let me be clear, this project isn’t about a poor little Mexican boy who lost his mom. I need to face some truths. One of them is that in her final months, I abandoned my mother.
I left and didn’t tell anyone where I was going. There was a boy involved but I can’t blame it on him or on being young and in love. I was just selfish.
I don’t think I want to get into this right now. So much to uncover. Layers.
When I think about this project, I’m overwhelmed. I have books to read and review, stories and poems to write and submit, conference presentations to coordinate, but I don’t do any of them.
Instead, I just sit and try not to think. Yet, I’m finding even that it takes much more effort. The usual distractions aren’t as effective as they once were. Cracks open.
step on a crack, break your mother’s back.
break your mother’s back. break your mother’s back.
break your mother. break your mother.
crack your mother back.
mother’s on your back, stepping on your back.
mamma’s stepping on you, breaking on you,
cracking on your back.
break a step. back you step.
break your mother’s back
break. your mother’s back break.
break your mother’s heart
break. your mother’s heart break.
break a step, up you step.
your mother steps back. your mother’s step’s back.
your mother’s back. you’re mother’s back.
you are your mother’s back.